Tag Archives: humor

Sobriety is Overrated

So I wasn’t ruining my life with beer.  I just got sick of drinking too much whenever I’d go out for one beer.  So we’ve been playing with the idea of having one or two beers when we go out.  And we have been playing with the idea of only going out once a week.  This, opposed to going out four nights a week and having 9 beers each time.  We have definitely saved money and although I’m pretty disappointed I haven’t lost 40 pounds in doing so, I am happier being out of a constant hangover fog that always seems to be residing with us.  We are definitely clear-er headed and dealing with shit and I like that.  Alcohol tricks you into thinking you’re having fun but really you’re just setting aside reality for another time which never shows up.

HOWEVER, without being able to take that edge off I am a stick in the mud, poop face, anxious before I turn every corner and plotting and planning my next moment ahead of me constantly.  I’m sure there are pills for this.  I’m sure exercise and a healthy diet would also help.  But PBR’s are $2.50 and I miss all my friends.  We are attempting to drink like civilized, normal, controlled people do and it’s been working out.

I didn’t have a drink when I was angry or stressed out or upset.  I had a drink for the simple fact that an ice cold beer sounded really good and I’d have one ice cold beer and we’d go home.  It feels adult.  I like it.  Sometimes I even leave beer in my glass.  I don’t feel I need to slam every drop.  I like that too.  So this experiment in Middle Ground is working out well in all arenas.

Last night Michael and I had another discussion about me locking myself away in my room and how dumb I feel and how really important it is to me to just at least have the kitchen cleaned.  I think when I explained to him that all day long, for my job, every day, all I do is clean up after people.  It’s not just about me being spastic in an unrealistic way about someone leaving a spoon on the counter.  I clean houses for a living. I clean kitchens all day long.  And in verbalizing this I realized that’s what it is. I want to walk into the room and go ‘ahhhhhhhh.’ Just like my clients get to when they come home.  That’s it.  Our space is small and the common area is right off the kitchen and there’s nowhere to go to get away from the mess.  There’s never an ‘ahhhhhh’ moment for me.  I even said we can make all the blanket forts we want, we can leave shoes out, play like wild banshees; we have to live here, it’s our living space, but the kitchen and the dishes drive me nuts. After one meal there’s 5 cups, five plates, five sets of silverware and five messes to clean up. If stay on it like a jerk, I end up spending the whole morning and afternoon in the kitchen.  LIKE MY JOB.

We came to a compromise thingy.  If I feel better because four minutes are invested in helping the kitchen stay clean, thus making it easier for the kids to just load the dishwasher instead of loading the sink up, and THAT will make all the difference in the world, he’s in.  We have a small space to work in, we don’t have a kitchen table, we can’t go downstairs and get away from the kitchen, everything is all in one room.  If we all work together, Mommy doesn’t go cuckoo.  Done deal.

If two beers helps me shut off my anxiety one night a week, I’m drinkin’ em.  Suck it.

One Step Forward Three Steps Off the Face of the Earth

 So last week was amazing, we dressed up as Zombie Bob’s Burgers and did the Zombie Crawl. And the kids couldn’t clean enough. We were minor celebrities for a day and it cost a whole seven dollars for my peace of mind. (The payout for chores done.)  This weekend however, was off the rails and I lived on the Planet of the Apes all weekend.  In a cage in my room.  Well, I spent Sunday in my room.

I’ll be in here on my iPad.

I’m really struggling with not being these kids’ mom and not really being my own kids’ mom either, therefore who am I?  I am A mom, to two other children, but not these three children.  It’s like being out of the workforce for 20 years and then having to learn computers.  These three kids are going through a divorce and they are completely chaotic.  When I was going through a divorce and my kids were chaotic, it was an inside job.  It’s very hard to do this from the outside.

Every time I see a parenting article, it’s about being pregnant or having a new baby or toddler. I always think, “Oh, the good old days when they couldn’t talk.  Just WAIT you ignorant, blissful parents.  You will wish your biggest problem was putting protective devices on all the electrical outlets.”  I’m bitter.  So sue me.

I actually don’t know my role.  I know I’m an adult and I know I’m good at taking care of people but there’s a lot more going on here.  In trying to respect everybody’s situation, I’m losing myself a little bit.  My biggest fault is needing permission for my actions.  Like I don’t want to yell and scream all weekend but should I?  Michael and I are pretty newly in our relationship here so are the days of being cute and sexy over already?  The answer to that last question is yes.  The days of being cute and sexy are over.  We are now dealing with something people who have been in a relationship 10 years don’t even want to deal with.  The reality of raising three children.  Whom, I might add, have previously been raised by wolves I’m convinced.  Annie Sullivan only had one kid to deal with, we have three.

This is a bed.  People sleep in them at night.

This is a bed. People sleep in them at night.

Michael takes these blog posts and my rantings rather well I must say, and I give kudos to him for that. In reality, given the fact that he is 10 times more patient than I am, is the main reason we are all still alive.
I think the biggest thing I must do; that which is hardest for me to do, is face the fact that I can’t control this.  I can make rules and scream and yell if I want and we can have peace on some weekends some of the time. One thing I could do to take the focus off of them, that which I cannot control, and back on to me, that which I can control, is: I need to make plans and get out and do some things for myself on the weekends in order to keep my sanity.  They are still struggling with using utensils to eat and I saw one of the kids chewing on their feet the other day. How did such vile creatures come out of such a kindhearted, giving, loving man?  This I might never know.

I did say something to the kids last weekend along the lines of ‘sorry I’m not kind and gentle about things and I just kind of bark orders.’  I said, I never say things like ‘hey sweetie you know what? Let’s try that a different way!” (spoken with a very sugared up Pollyanna voice.).

I’m sorry…do I know you?

They howled with laughter. Even they know I never act like that.  And then they said something that made me feel like Sally Field accepting her Oscar.  “No, we like it.  We know what you want.”  The heavens parted.
I still don’t want to be the evil stepmom and I need to give them a break and let them spend time with their kindhearted, loving, gentle father without me standing there yelling at them to put their shoes away.  So there’s a give-and-take in this blended, step, divorce land, new relationship, tiny apartment living thingy.  It just really makes me regret quitting drinking at this time basically.  Because I could use one right about now.

So we are on our road to four days of recovery and this starts all over.  Again, really sorry I stopped drinking.

Episode 1 Jodee Champion Of The People

Here ye hear ye! 2DrunkMomz is happening. Welcome to the inaugural episode of the award winning podcast. (Don’t over think that one.)

This episode features Denver comedian Jodee Champion. Fresh off of her whirl wind Minecraft Crafty Mom Birthday Party Tour, Jodee stopped by Devon’s Pub to help us launch this podcast.


This week’s SchlitzList, unfit parents in the news, brings us the following:

Sunbathing parents let 10 month old daughter float 1/2 a mile out to sea on baby raft. Like the Kon Tiki, only cuter.

floating baby

Bodybuilder parents banish 14 year old daughter to woods for a week after she ate a Pop-Tart, obviously taking a page from M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village.

no poptart


Jodee Champion fills us in about her start in stand up comedy as a fresh, new, single mom, when her son was only a year old. Thank god for stubborn women! From local shows at The Denver Improv, to Devon’s Summer Comedy Showcase and recently appearing on the Pump and Dump tour here in Denver to her national television debut on NickMom Night Out in Chicago, we were happy to have her grace our sloppy drinking table.

2drunkmomz jodee

Feel free to check out her Facebook page here and see how hilarious she is for yourself.


In our Homewreckers & Gardens segment this week we discuss:

Sex Talk- Ever been deep inside a dildo factory?

COCKtails- The Dirty Pool Boy. Find it on our recipe page and enjoy.


Have a burning question? Does it burn when you pee? Let us know about it. drunkmomz@yahoo.com.


Lastly a huge a huge 2DrunkMomz wet kiss to David Rodriguez for our new website header. You rock!