Tag Archives: comedy

My Stance on Making Humans

All your work is for naught.

All your work is for naught.

Parenting is a constant battle. It’s a battle for your kids’ life. You want them to grow up and be respectable citizens who bathe and keep jobs. That’s why we potty train them. When you get a call from the school that your kid is biting kids, you fight for THEIR life by grounding them and trying to figure out what the fuck they are doing and why. Their productive adult life counts on this proactive ness of you. It never ends. You want them to have nice things. Even if they live three thousand miles away and call you about getting fired. You fight for their life and say things to them to encourage them and help them and better them and then you lose sleep and wonder where you failed. It’s a constant battle.

You show them how to wash their hair and say thank you because no one likes to sit next to a stinky, rude asshole on the bus. Most of the time during the early training years, they are ungrateful, selfish little bastards but their future lives are at stake. Making them clean their room, making them sit down and shut up, making them ditch the flip flops and wear boots when wintertime rolls around is helping them in their future, adult job finding skills for instance. Taking their laptops away, making them wear clean clothes, shutting off cell phones, driving them to school like a bitch before coffee, all helps in this future fight we are in even though they hate you for it and have no idea what they are in for.

I blame the mother.

I blame the mother.

Getting fired yourself from jobs because you are in this battle while you miss work to have a teacher conference, or to better a kid who hates you for making him practice piano or play soccer, taking any jobs you can so you can buy food and be there to yell at them when they suck at life, this is our compromise. We as parents don’t have nice things so that THEY CAN someday. Yes it would be easier to shut down and not care, you might get more sleep and finish a goddamn Netflix series for once or have nice things, but you have put a rude, sloppy, uncaring asshole out in to the world to someday be someone’s boss, or drug dealer, you decide.

Academy performance here.

Academy performance here.

Its a thankless, messy, ugly, battle. There are no fancy dresses to wear to awards ceremonies and no one gets a statue for the mantel. Every once in a while though some light shines down. Your kid gets to be the tree in the school play and you see them beaming up there onstage and you see them be proud and it makes you want to give them more of that. Every once in a while they make a shitty drawing and write the word ‘Mommy’ at the bottom and you cry over this. Every once in a while you can see the human being that you know is in there and you want more of that person FOR that person. Kids don’t want to grocery shop at Walmart at midnight or hang out at a bar because you are still trying prove you are cool even after you’ve had kids. These are our battle compromises. We stay home so we can ruin their present lives for their future lives. Its what we do.

We stay home a lot not because we are not cool but to create ‘family’ and show them how people eat and make beds and play games and laugh in their own little clan because someday they will have to join a clan of their own. Then in what seems like one moment that happens inside the millions of moments of kid life, they are suddenly grown and have beards and drive and they move out and you still have baby pictures of them on the wall. Will they use a napkin at mealtime? Will they get arrested? Drink too much? Keep a job? Make friends? Hopefully all of these good things happen and you yelled at them and loved them enough for them to be able to think on their own and follow their dreams so they can try to have nice things of their own too.

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It never ends. You signed up when you pushed that thing out of you,and you sign up every single god damned day after that even when you are both old. Its valor. Truly and deeply.

Lord of The Mess

 

Kids. No kids.

Kids. No kids.

So I can’t be the Clean Police ALL MUTHAFUCKIN’ weekend.  Nothing else would come out of my mouth except demands and orders.  So I have to let some things go. That’s the great thing about living in a tiny space; this mess took eight minutes to clean up.  And a dishwasher does my dishes.  I just wish I didn’t have to worry about it or say anything in order for it to get done. And I act like I’m not gonna touch it but it doesn’t bother anyone else as much as it bothers me and I can’t let it sit there.  So I still end up cleaning like an idiot after the kids go home so I can sit in a peaceful, quiet, comfortable, free of chaos, clean environment.

It’s in my nature to make order from chaos. I’m a Virgo. I have OCD. Combine the two, it’s a curse and a blessing what can I say?  So I let it go, but I really don’t. My brain never shuts off. “Oh my god you’re getting crumbs all over everything! Oh my God pick up your socks for the hundredth millionth time! Oh my god that doesn’t go there! I can’t even sit on the couch because of all your shit all over it!”  This is the dialogue in my head.  It’s never really off.  Just my face is off.  But it probably isn’t either.

 

I get the feeling THIS is how I look on the couch.

I get the feeling THIS is how I look on the couch.

They are doing so good and being patient is a virtue.  Which I don’t have.  I don’t want to ‘nag’ Michael either.  There is a balance.  They are cleaning ten times more than they were.  I need to recognize that and praise them and move on, otherwise I’ll feel like an Ogre.  I also need to own that I am a neat freak and move on.

I make everything so black and white too.  Yes, I think they should all clean up after themselves.  So I don’t.  So nothing gets done, then I’m mad.  Then I’m mad so long I lose my shit.

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There is moderation to everything.  I am learning the mucky, grey area of it.  There is probably a ‘gentle’ way to do this.  I do not know of this ‘gentleness’ however.  I am learning.  To me it is common sense to clean yer shit up.  But this is coming from a woman, who cleaned her room and made her bed when she was a two year old child.  My mother thought ALL children were like this which probably attributed to her having three more.  Which after that I’m assuming, she realized I was an anomaly.  (I always knew I was left on the doorstep.)

So I shut up around Sunday mid morning because I will breathe fire if I open my mouth.  It’s not fair to them, we are having a good day, I don’t want to be an Ogre, so I drop it.  Maybe this week I will do that gentle thing and have a ‘talk’ thingy.  I will own up to my heightened level of what CLEAN means and what efforts are truly being made in this small apartment living arrangement by everyone around me and find that middle ground on a map somewhere and pitch a tent.  But throw the GODAMNED RING ALREADY SMEAGOL!!

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Money Talks

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So yeah, this quitting drinking thing…blows. Its making me actually HAVE all of my emotions. I made the ‘Rules’ list for the fridge, for the kids, for a reference, so I can point and not yell. Then I took a weekend ‘off’ and told Michael I quit. The house was a wreck, the kids went ape shit, I hid in my room the whole time and felt like a jerk. Then Michael quit drinking and after I ripped the rules down and threw them away, because that’s what I do with dormant emotions, let them rip; together we made the new ‘Rules’, as a team. Michael wanted to play, I felt a million times better and we started over.

Emotions still running wild and I have noticed that I want to drink sometimes when I feel them rise up. I drank mostly because these emotions scared me. I thought if I let any leak out, the dam would burst and the village would be drowned. Or maybe not even all that dramatic, maybe I just wasn’t used to having them. They were uncomfortable. Why do you think I do comedy? I can be awkward with a whole bunch of other awkwardly type people and we are friends.

And every weekend the kids keep showing up. They keep making me be a PERSON. It would be rude and weird if I stayed in bed the whole time because of SAD. It’s 80 degrees out goddammit. It’s beautiful outside!! This is Colorado…these are people. People that like YOU. Little people that like you and want to call you Weekend Mom. Snap out of it. Sometimes ya gotta fake it til you make it.

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Another thing that is working with this ‘list’ thingy…is that Money Talks. We listed various chores they can do for money. Some chores come with just being in a home and living in a family. Like doing dishes, cleaning up after yourself, behaving like civilized humans. Eating with forks. Then there are extra chores that can be done for cold hard cash. These chores are inspected of course, no cheaters, no corners cut. Michael’s 5 year old asked, ‘What else can I clean?’ I immediately thought we had picked up the wrong children and brought home impostors. His middle child has diagnosed me with a cleaning problem. The oldest is just here for the dough. But the place is clean and my heart rate stays down.

We also listed rewards that can be chosen if all goes well and there are no small animals hurt in the survival of the weekend. Places they like to go, activities they like to do and all there for their choosing. So cash and fun motivate. Taking away fun and adding chores for no pay…also motivates. Just like in adult life. We are teachers folks. It’s all in a days work.  Oh yeah, so is everything I learn from them.  Goddammit.

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I Don’t Know From Shinola


I signed up for five yoga sessions.  Will be hitting the first one today.  (Should I be saying ‘hitting’ if I’m going to yoga?)  I thought since I’ve been pooping my brains out for two weeks and eating a bland diet and not drinking and doing much reflecting on my entire life as of late, now would be as good time as any to take up yoga seriously and not just in my living room.

So of course I’m bleeding like Carrie on Prom night and am gassy with my healthy new diet.  Thanks UNIVERSE!

The Universe Is Talking To White Women in their twenties…Bill Nye and Amy Schumer

Despite my war on manners and my Weekend Strike and making the Rules and feeling like telling everyone to fuck off; I got very humbled by my own children in this Parenting Regime. Each of them calling me at separate times over the last few days and confessing some pretty life challenging struggles.  One is re focusing their life after a big wake up call, one is battling depression and eating disorder issues. Without taking away from their own experiences as separate people; I can’t help but feel I didn’t give them something I should of when they were small.  I mothered badly somehow.  Even in realizing that is a selfish position to take, ‘it’s all about me’ kind of attitude, a mother can’t help but feel that way.  As parents we tend to take all the blame.

In some ways, this may be easier in a martyr-ing type of way; in an Italian Mother type of way.  But really, in an accountability type of way, once we move out on our own we start making choices for ourselves.  I would love to blame my mother for all of my issues right now.  Or go to AA and ‘give it all to God’, but I don’t see any true accountability in any of that.  Once we move out on our own, our decisions are up to us.  Yes we may have learned things by good and/or bad parenting, but we can make up new things, discover our own paths and make new decisions once we are adults.  There’s certainly nothing wrong in me reflecting on things I could’ve done better as a parent, but reflecting on what I can do better NOW is a much better use of my time.  I love and support both of my grown children, I am always honest with them, and they are always honest and open with me, I appreciate that more than anything in the world and am proudest of that fact more than any other aspect of our relationship.

I'm a winner!!

I’m a winner!!

So, after quietly speaking to my kids and worrying like an Italian Mother, I confessed to Michael, ‘ I don’t know anything about parenting. I don’t know what I’m doing, I have two adult children in the world struggling, I know NOTHING.’  Eating a little crow after ranting and raving for three days, making my dumb lists and feeling like I was on a pedestal; I confessed to not knowing what the fuck I’m doing and cried.

WTF just happened?

WTF just happened?

This man gently lifted me up off of my pedestal, laid me down beside him, and told me simply, ‘None of us do.’  Adding that they (meaning our spawn) ‘are going to do whatever the fuck they want whenever the fuck they want no matter what we do.’

I kissed this man, forgave us both, and we moved on with our night.

THIS is parenting.  It’s messy and sloppy, it’s a roller coaster of rewards and deep ditches of dark holes, it’s smiling and crying at the same time, and then you just eat ice cream and go to bed.

love you guys!!!

I’ve Got Another Thing Commin’.

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I’ve got another thing coming, I don’t know what that is, but I will find it.  I really am in the winter of my discontent right now.  I turned 49 a few days ago and that would probably explain a lot of it.   Shouldn’t I be somebody by now?  As much as I hate that question, and know better than to ask it, I’m still asking it.

Yeah I made the Rules List.  Who fucking cares?  Lately I have felt very sick and can’t seem to spend much time out of the bathroom.  I’m having to revamp my diet and health.  It has made me slow down. It has made me feel weak. It has made me not drink. Which means I’m in my head. A lot.

So I will be eating the bland diet of a two-year-old. Lots of rice, lots of oatmeal trying to add fruits and veg, drinking a lot of tea.  It’s made me stop and slow down.  I know I need to stay positive and a positive mind is everything.  I just can’t muster that up right now.  Not only that, but I don’t care that I don’t care.

I’m just going to do what I’m doing, and I don’t care if anyone uses a fork anymore. Or cleans their room. I don’t give a fuck.  The rules are posted. I’m going to head out and do some yoga and go on some hikes this weekend. Michael can tame the shrews, I don’t care anymore.  I’ve spent the last eight weeks trying to be the mom I thought I was. I quit.

For now I think I’ll eat my baby food, go on some long walks, BECAUSE I CAN, and quiet my mind a bit.  My body will probably immediately go into shock but C’est la vie.

Weekend Warrior Takes On New Meaning

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The Blended Family. In the past, I WAS THE ONE WITH THE KIDS. The people I was dating had to fit into OUR mold. Now I find myself the one ‘without’ kids trying to live inside another mold. Someone else’s mold. So I’ve let the tail wag the dog a little bit here as I try and find my place with Michael and HIS kids, where I fit in, where my place as an adult person in their lives really lies.

I still am a human who lives in this apartment. I donned armor and a sword this weekend and THAT wagging the dog thing is all done. After a trip to the grocery store and ten minutes in the car alone with three fighting kids, I have changed the way we will be living together on the weekends. The ONSLAUGHT of the Children of the Corn ends. No more Miss Nice Weekend Fun Mom.

'We're hungry.'

‘We’re hungry.’

This budget thingy has got us staying home much more. I’ve learned that our spending was just part of a big distraction to some of the things we need to focus on. And that thing is the chaos of three young kids. Yes they are going through a divorce, but it is an amicable one. They have a home and love. It’s time they also have manners and discipline. We were not put on this earth to entertain and serve three kids like they are Kings and Queens, waiting on them hand and foot because they are ‘getting divorced.’ It is not serving them well.

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They will now learn to eat while sitting down the entire time. To use silverware. Have table manners. Clear their dishes. Clean up, participate in the preparation of the food. TO EAT A PEACEFUL MEAL. It will be like Annie Sullivan training Helen Keller. But I’ve got my sword now. And some markers. ‘THE RULES’ have been posted. The gauntlet will drop. THIS IS WAR.

One must strategize. The kids have worked out how to beat us down. The Phoenix Rises. Divorced parents are tired and shameful and living in the cloud of shit that divorce brings. I am NOT in this cloud. I want my life back.

There has to be consequences for rules not being followed. Which means US suffering sometimes. They don’t have separate rooms, we have one tv, but where there is a will there is a way to remove these luxuries from their lives. I have the will. Michael and I have devised a WAY. Thy will be done. We are totally fine sitting at home all weekend. We never have a DAY OFF. We will make them.

I will not have another weekend of screaming, fighting, rampant chaos. I have done this before. I had a little Helen Keller once too. Me and my kids lived like ‘Lord of the Flies’ when I first got divorced. There was a pig’s head on a stick outside of our apartment until I decided to stop feeling ‘bad’ I got divorced. My little Helen Keller now lives in New York City and eats with a fork.

So this weekend will be the first weekend the gauntlet comes down. There will be hell to pay. And Michael and I can cash that check.  Just watch.

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A Budget Thingy

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Another thing I saw in the tiny house movement was people giving up jobs they hated, moving out of towns they didn’t like,  and leaving situations they were uncomfortable with anyway. Sure they got rid of a lot of stuff but what did they give up that they really like?

As this started out we didn’t mind living in a smaller space. We didn’t mind getting rid of a lot of stuff. I got a storage unit even after I got rid of things and made a vow that if I didn’t visit the storage in three months I would clean it out.  I gave most of my furniture to my friend who just moved here from Texas.  Got rid of books and clothes and shoes.  Despite my age I didn’t have that many belongings I don’t have a lot of dishes we didn’t have any pots and pans, I had just bought them when my friend moved here.  The vagabond lifestyle right?  No, just another lifestyle full of bad decision-making surrounding money and any thoughts of future thingy’s. But alas we carry-on.

Michael and I were not leaving jobs we hated we like our jobs. Sure it would be great to not work but having our own businesses does let us make our own hours.  One thing we are having to give up that we really like is drinking and smoking.

All these people in the tiny house movement don’t have any issues apparently.  No one had to give up drugs or deal with a mad ex-wife? No one’s hiding from a restraining order? No one’s  doing anything bad? They all live just happy lives and are making all these happy choices apparently.  One overriding aspect I found as I looked to this movement for inspiration and a positive spin on living with very little was that one really made this move because they were on the brink of anything.

We were on the brink of many things.  Michael: A divorce and moving and becoming a Weekend Dad.  Me: moving YET AGAIN, becoming a Weekend Mom AND being in a New Relationship.  Both of us re- evaluating our lives on OUR TERMS.

We spent the first six months drunk.  There, I said it.  Why?  Because we could AND ITS FUN. Then he got his apartment and the kids.  They cried when they caught him smoking.  We’re still working on that one, we smoke the four days we don’t have kids.

They were introduced to ME at brunch.  They asked if they could call me Mom.  They call me Weekend Mom now.  Things changed.  We had to change. If we wanted to pay rent we were going to have to make a budget thingy.

Apparently his children are STARVING and must eat every ten minutes.  We would also have to pay rent AND buy food.  Bummer.

Making A Budget 101

Step #1: LOOKING AT YOUR UGLY HONEST BANK ACCOUNT

This is the worst intervention of yourself known to mankind.  It doesn’t lie and honestly I’m surprised my bank has not already put me on a plane to a nice happy REHAB somewhere in Arizona.  Wow.  I SUCK.  If you are willing to look at what you ACTUALLY SPEND ON BEER you have the hardest step down.  Add this frivolous stuff up.  I could have bought a new car by now.  We considered feeding the kids Ramen and water on the weekends so we could keep our habit up; but alas, we deterred that.  WE WOULD HAVE TO CUT DOWN ON GOING OUT.  (Sorry El Charrito, that new wing will have to wait.) We would have to start buying food at those places where they sell food.

Step #2:  Add up what you make at your job.

Step #3:  Don’t spend all of it on going out.

It’s very simple to make a budget thingy see?  Actually carrying through with it is the hard part.  We do stay home a lot more.  We got cable. We bought some tennis racquets at Good Will (well they are racquetball racquets but the kids don’t know that) so we can go to the park on the weekends and not just be some sort of ‘handlers’ for the children that must be entertained 24-7.  Tiring them out is good.  Sometimes we stay home and tell them to get over it, life is boring sometimes Get Used to It.

We added up in our budget thingy how much we need to spend on food, gas, and bills.  We decided on an amount that is reasonable for going out and said we’d cut down to twice a week.  We went WAY OVER THE FIRST WEEK.  The execution of this budget thing will take some time I’m afraid.  The one key to it though is constantly reviewing it and KEEP LOOKING AT THAT NEVER LYING BANK ACCOUNT.  It keeps you humble.  We review our numbers WEEKLY.

We also made a list of fun FREE things to do so we feel like we have some options. Some of them were to fix up, and have fun decorating the Tiny Apartment.  We have plenty to do, it’s just the changing of habits that will be hard.  We had to find new motivation in this new life of ours.  We make enough to have some fun, and pay bills, we want to save for a trip.  Save for a car.  Save to just Have Money.  That feels good.

So this is an ongoing process. You don’t just Make a Budget.  It doesn’t Magically Work.  Staying on one is the hard part.  I’ll keep you posted on that.

Episode 5 Steve Young Back 2 Skool Edition

It’s back to school time! And what better way to usher this in than with some cocktails, some school supplies, and comedian Steve Young. Once again the patio at Devon’s Pub welcomes us and even a couple of hecklers on this episode. Who heckles a podcast!? Seriously.

In keeping with our back to school theme this weeks cocktail is called  Back To School Special. Look for it on our recipe page. Don’t forget the pink eraser garnish and #2 pencil swizzle stick.

 

Even though we only got to one SchlitzList item, this episode is pretty amazing if we do say so ourselves.

Pennsylvania teacher in hot seat after boob grope pic hits Instagram.

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Shockingly our Homewreckers & Gardens segment only has one item this week as well. Go ahead, take a guess…

That’s right we somehow managed to talk about the Sex Position Of The Week! Our special back to school edition sex position, man that sounds terrible, is everywhere in the house. The kids are gone, let your freak flag fly!

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It’s hard to believe we keep finding these amazingly funny and great dads but we did it again. Steve Young, who started his comedy career late in life, is a father of 3 and a working professional. To quote the ever impressive viral video “aint nobody got time for that!” From parenting tips to some very good insights and an incredibly sharp wit Steve left us wanting more.

If you want more of Steve check out his Facebook page here.

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Steve doesn’t understand how camera phones work.

 

Don’t forget we want to hear from you! Leave a comment on this post or drop us a line. drunkmomz@yahoo.com

 

Download episode here

Stay thirsty friends,

2DM

Episode 4 Rick Bryan Off The Rails

Holy crap guys, we’re not gonna lie, this episode is cray cray. Yeah we said cray cray. Thank god we record outside on the Devon’s Pub patio. As soon as we hit record till the very end, Rick had us in stitches. Which is comic lingo for he never shut up. Seriously though Rick had some good insights amid all the jokie jokes. From starting his comedy career in the same year he was diagnosed with cancer and the death of his father took place to child rearing to how much tequila he can drink, Rick made this a very fun podcast.

 

This weeks SchlitzList of Schlitty Schlitness involves the following;

Former MTV Teen Mom gives daughter extravagant Tooth Fairy payout.

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Colorado parents change baby’s name after becoming book critics.

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Father leaves six year old son in truck to watch sports at a bar.

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Our Homewreckers & Gardens segment this week was cut a little short due to a small case of this weeks cocktail called The Bad Decision. Find that recipe on our recipe page.

The sex position of the week is The Donald Trump. It’s pretty easy to do… if you hate women.

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Or this will work too in a pinch.

 

Rick Bryan is a father of three humans, two of which are entering their teen years.  This is why most of us drink.  Rick has been performing comedy since 2007, he is a national touring comic and kind of a big deal. Just ask him.  His parenting advice and words of wisdom almost brought us all to tears, but I’m gonna blame the alcohol.  No really, Rick really spilled his guts out on the patio.

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Catch him on August 7th in Monte Vista.

August 13-16 at the Denver Improv.

Follow him on Twitter here.

See what he’s saying on Facebook here.

 

As always drop us a love letter to drunkmomz@yahoo.com.

Download episode here.

 

Episode 3 Stephanie McHughGE

Stephanie McHugh rocks and can drink with the best of us.  She thought our drink this week at Devon’s Pub tasted like Emergen-C.  We like her for that.  She regales for us going on the road with her Mom, and being a traveling comic with KIDS.  Soon to be an empty nester, (YAY!) she tells of the Mom Changes that take place in our hearts and in our cars.

Hitting our SchlitzList this week like a fan, Res-tyrant Owner or Hero?  You decide.

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In an ironic twist that would confuse even a hipster, parents move in with child attending college.

 

Another Schlit move paired with a Hero move that found it’s way into our show.


Our HOMEWRECKERS and Gardens issue this week brought us thus:

Drink of the Week- we have two variations of this both of which you can try at home.  The Tic Tac via Crystal and Bret’s version or the Devon’s version called The EmergenC.  Because what trauma in life doesn’t call for a drink?

– Sex Position this week involves ONE of these items:

spoiler alert, it’s not the goat.
Since we were getting jiggy with exercise topics, or is that jiggly? We added a Wine Workout to the mix.

Thank you to Jordan Wieleba for following our vague description of what we wanted and adding her genius to make it work! Presenting our new logo! Check her out here.

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Our fine guest this week was Stephanie McHugh.  Another Colorado native from them thar hills of Durango.  This single mom of two daughters gave us what we always love hearing; a different parent perspective and Stephanie’s was absolutely LOVELY.  You go GRL.  She rocked a show at Comedy Works opening for Colin Kane. And we can’t wait for her next show! Keep up with her HERE and see what we mean!

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As always, you can bitch and moan to us at drunkmomz@yahoo.com and we will read your letters on the air although they might be a bit slurred in translation.

Cheers,

 

2DrunkMomz

 

Download episode here