Weekend Warrior Takes On New Meaning

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The Blended Family. In the past, I WAS THE ONE WITH THE KIDS. The people I was dating had to fit into OUR mold. Now I find myself the one ‘without’ kids trying to live inside another mold. Someone else’s mold. So I’ve let the tail wag the dog a little bit here as I try and find my place with Michael and HIS kids, where I fit in, where my place as an adult person in their lives really lies.

I still am a human who lives in this apartment. I donned armor and a sword this weekend and THAT wagging the dog thing is all done. After a trip to the grocery store and ten minutes in the car alone with three fighting kids, I have changed the way we will be living together on the weekends. The ONSLAUGHT of the Children of the Corn ends. No more Miss Nice Weekend Fun Mom.

'We're hungry.'

‘We’re hungry.’

This budget thingy has got us staying home much more. I’ve learned that our spending was just part of a big distraction to some of the things we need to focus on. And that thing is the chaos of three young kids. Yes they are going through a divorce, but it is an amicable one. They have a home and love. It’s time they also have manners and discipline. We were not put on this earth to entertain and serve three kids like they are Kings and Queens, waiting on them hand and foot because they are ‘getting divorced.’ It is not serving them well.

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They will now learn to eat while sitting down the entire time. To use silverware. Have table manners. Clear their dishes. Clean up, participate in the preparation of the food. TO EAT A PEACEFUL MEAL. It will be like Annie Sullivan training Helen Keller. But I’ve got my sword now. And some markers. ‘THE RULES’ have been posted. The gauntlet will drop. THIS IS WAR.

One must strategize. The kids have worked out how to beat us down. The Phoenix Rises. Divorced parents are tired and shameful and living in the cloud of shit that divorce brings. I am NOT in this cloud. I want my life back.

There has to be consequences for rules not being followed. Which means US suffering sometimes. They don’t have separate rooms, we have one tv, but where there is a will there is a way to remove these luxuries from their lives. I have the will. Michael and I have devised a WAY. Thy will be done. We are totally fine sitting at home all weekend. We never have a DAY OFF. We will make them.

I will not have another weekend of screaming, fighting, rampant chaos. I have done this before. I had a little Helen Keller once too. Me and my kids lived like ‘Lord of the Flies’ when I first got divorced. There was a pig’s head on a stick outside of our apartment until I decided to stop feeling ‘bad’ I got divorced. My little Helen Keller now lives in New York City and eats with a fork.

So this weekend will be the first weekend the gauntlet comes down. There will be hell to pay. And Michael and I can cash that check.  Just watch.

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A Budget Thingy

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Another thing I saw in the tiny house movement was people giving up jobs they hated, moving out of towns they didn’t like,  and leaving situations they were uncomfortable with anyway. Sure they got rid of a lot of stuff but what did they give up that they really like?

As this started out we didn’t mind living in a smaller space. We didn’t mind getting rid of a lot of stuff. I got a storage unit even after I got rid of things and made a vow that if I didn’t visit the storage in three months I would clean it out.  I gave most of my furniture to my friend who just moved here from Texas.  Got rid of books and clothes and shoes.  Despite my age I didn’t have that many belongings I don’t have a lot of dishes we didn’t have any pots and pans, I had just bought them when my friend moved here.  The vagabond lifestyle right?  No, just another lifestyle full of bad decision-making surrounding money and any thoughts of future thingy’s. But alas we carry-on.

Michael and I were not leaving jobs we hated we like our jobs. Sure it would be great to not work but having our own businesses does let us make our own hours.  One thing we are having to give up that we really like is drinking and smoking.

All these people in the tiny house movement don’t have any issues apparently.  No one had to give up drugs or deal with a mad ex-wife? No one’s hiding from a restraining order? No one’s  doing anything bad? They all live just happy lives and are making all these happy choices apparently.  One overriding aspect I found as I looked to this movement for inspiration and a positive spin on living with very little was that one really made this move because they were on the brink of anything.

We were on the brink of many things.  Michael: A divorce and moving and becoming a Weekend Dad.  Me: moving YET AGAIN, becoming a Weekend Mom AND being in a New Relationship.  Both of us re- evaluating our lives on OUR TERMS.

We spent the first six months drunk.  There, I said it.  Why?  Because we could AND ITS FUN. Then he got his apartment and the kids.  They cried when they caught him smoking.  We’re still working on that one, we smoke the four days we don’t have kids.

They were introduced to ME at brunch.  They asked if they could call me Mom.  They call me Weekend Mom now.  Things changed.  We had to change. If we wanted to pay rent we were going to have to make a budget thingy.

Apparently his children are STARVING and must eat every ten minutes.  We would also have to pay rent AND buy food.  Bummer.

Making A Budget 101

Step #1: LOOKING AT YOUR UGLY HONEST BANK ACCOUNT

This is the worst intervention of yourself known to mankind.  It doesn’t lie and honestly I’m surprised my bank has not already put me on a plane to a nice happy REHAB somewhere in Arizona.  Wow.  I SUCK.  If you are willing to look at what you ACTUALLY SPEND ON BEER you have the hardest step down.  Add this frivolous stuff up.  I could have bought a new car by now.  We considered feeding the kids Ramen and water on the weekends so we could keep our habit up; but alas, we deterred that.  WE WOULD HAVE TO CUT DOWN ON GOING OUT.  (Sorry El Charrito, that new wing will have to wait.) We would have to start buying food at those places where they sell food.

Step #2:  Add up what you make at your job.

Step #3:  Don’t spend all of it on going out.

It’s very simple to make a budget thingy see?  Actually carrying through with it is the hard part.  We do stay home a lot more.  We got cable. We bought some tennis racquets at Good Will (well they are racquetball racquets but the kids don’t know that) so we can go to the park on the weekends and not just be some sort of ‘handlers’ for the children that must be entertained 24-7.  Tiring them out is good.  Sometimes we stay home and tell them to get over it, life is boring sometimes Get Used to It.

We added up in our budget thingy how much we need to spend on food, gas, and bills.  We decided on an amount that is reasonable for going out and said we’d cut down to twice a week.  We went WAY OVER THE FIRST WEEK.  The execution of this budget thing will take some time I’m afraid.  The one key to it though is constantly reviewing it and KEEP LOOKING AT THAT NEVER LYING BANK ACCOUNT.  It keeps you humble.  We review our numbers WEEKLY.

We also made a list of fun FREE things to do so we feel like we have some options. Some of them were to fix up, and have fun decorating the Tiny Apartment.  We have plenty to do, it’s just the changing of habits that will be hard.  We had to find new motivation in this new life of ours.  We make enough to have some fun, and pay bills, we want to save for a trip.  Save for a car.  Save to just Have Money.  That feels good.

So this is an ongoing process. You don’t just Make a Budget.  It doesn’t Magically Work.  Staying on one is the hard part.  I’ll keep you posted on that.

Episode 5 Steve Young Back 2 Skool Edition

It’s back to school time! And what better way to usher this in than with some cocktails, some school supplies, and comedian Steve Young. Once again the patio at Devon’s Pub welcomes us and even a couple of hecklers on this episode. Who heckles a podcast!? Seriously.

In keeping with our back to school theme this weeks cocktail is called  Back To School Special. Look for it on our recipe page. Don’t forget the pink eraser garnish and #2 pencil swizzle stick.

 

Even though we only got to one SchlitzList item, this episode is pretty amazing if we do say so ourselves.

Pennsylvania teacher in hot seat after boob grope pic hits Instagram.

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Shockingly our Homewreckers & Gardens segment only has one item this week as well. Go ahead, take a guess…

That’s right we somehow managed to talk about the Sex Position Of The Week! Our special back to school edition sex position, man that sounds terrible, is everywhere in the house. The kids are gone, let your freak flag fly!

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It’s hard to believe we keep finding these amazingly funny and great dads but we did it again. Steve Young, who started his comedy career late in life, is a father of 3 and a working professional. To quote the ever impressive viral video “aint nobody got time for that!” From parenting tips to some very good insights and an incredibly sharp wit Steve left us wanting more.

If you want more of Steve check out his Facebook page here.

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Steve doesn’t understand how camera phones work.

 

Don’t forget we want to hear from you! Leave a comment on this post or drop us a line. drunkmomz@yahoo.com

 

Download episode here

Stay thirsty friends,

2DM

Episode 4 Rick Bryan Off The Rails

Holy crap guys, we’re not gonna lie, this episode is cray cray. Yeah we said cray cray. Thank god we record outside on the Devon’s Pub patio. As soon as we hit record till the very end, Rick had us in stitches. Which is comic lingo for he never shut up. Seriously though Rick had some good insights amid all the jokie jokes. From starting his comedy career in the same year he was diagnosed with cancer and the death of his father took place to child rearing to how much tequila he can drink, Rick made this a very fun podcast.

 

This weeks SchlitzList of Schlitty Schlitness involves the following;

Former MTV Teen Mom gives daughter extravagant Tooth Fairy payout.

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Colorado parents change baby’s name after becoming book critics.

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Father leaves six year old son in truck to watch sports at a bar.

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Our Homewreckers & Gardens segment this week was cut a little short due to a small case of this weeks cocktail called The Bad Decision. Find that recipe on our recipe page.

The sex position of the week is The Donald Trump. It’s pretty easy to do… if you hate women.

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Or this will work too in a pinch.

 

Rick Bryan is a father of three humans, two of which are entering their teen years.  This is why most of us drink.  Rick has been performing comedy since 2007, he is a national touring comic and kind of a big deal. Just ask him.  His parenting advice and words of wisdom almost brought us all to tears, but I’m gonna blame the alcohol.  No really, Rick really spilled his guts out on the patio.

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Catch him on August 7th in Monte Vista.

August 13-16 at the Denver Improv.

Follow him on Twitter here.

See what he’s saying on Facebook here.

 

As always drop us a love letter to drunkmomz@yahoo.com.

Download episode here.

 

Episode 3 Stephanie McHughGE

Stephanie McHugh rocks and can drink with the best of us.  She thought our drink this week at Devon’s Pub tasted like Emergen-C.  We like her for that.  She regales for us going on the road with her Mom, and being a traveling comic with KIDS.  Soon to be an empty nester, (YAY!) she tells of the Mom Changes that take place in our hearts and in our cars.

Hitting our SchlitzList this week like a fan, Res-tyrant Owner or Hero?  You decide.

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In an ironic twist that would confuse even a hipster, parents move in with child attending college.

 

Another Schlit move paired with a Hero move that found it’s way into our show.


Our HOMEWRECKERS and Gardens issue this week brought us thus:

Drink of the Week- we have two variations of this both of which you can try at home.  The Tic Tac via Crystal and Bret’s version or the Devon’s version called The EmergenC.  Because what trauma in life doesn’t call for a drink?

– Sex Position this week involves ONE of these items:

spoiler alert, it’s not the goat.
Since we were getting jiggy with exercise topics, or is that jiggly? We added a Wine Workout to the mix.

Thank you to Jordan Wieleba for following our vague description of what we wanted and adding her genius to make it work! Presenting our new logo! Check her out here.

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Our fine guest this week was Stephanie McHugh.  Another Colorado native from them thar hills of Durango.  This single mom of two daughters gave us what we always love hearing; a different parent perspective and Stephanie’s was absolutely LOVELY.  You go GRL.  She rocked a show at Comedy Works opening for Colin Kane. And we can’t wait for her next show! Keep up with her HERE and see what we mean!

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As always, you can bitch and moan to us at drunkmomz@yahoo.com and we will read your letters on the air although they might be a bit slurred in translation.

Cheers,

 

2DrunkMomz

 

Download episode here

 

Episode 2 Jill Tasei The Sober One

This week we showed up at Devon’s for our award winning (Again)Episode 2! And it worked!  2DrunkMomz were joined by comedian, single mom, work lady, Jill Tasei.  She actually gleaned us with some pretty cool parenting stories.  Well, she was the only sober one so that might have something to do with it.

Topping our SchlitzList this week is definitely a contender for Worst Mom of the Century.  She’s helpy.  (She’s actually a twisted fuck.)

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Here we have a self proclaimed comedian Dad who terrified his kids in the most hilarious way EVER. (NOT.)

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And we dug up a hero mom in the myriad of all this bad news, who turns sick kids into their own Super Heroes.  By hand.

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Our special guest, Jill Tasei is a Colorado native, a single mom of three boys, (I’m pretty sure she has snapped a few blankets in her house.) She has a real grown up office job and performs stand up comedy by night.  So technically she is a lady of the evening…AAAAND the daytime.  She does it all. She appeared on NickMom Night out, has performed at the Denver Improv, Comics Against Civility, Devon’s Summer Showcase, and Comedy Works.  She will be performing at Comedy Works  on August 5th for the New Faces Contest.  Follow her on Twitter and Facebook too!

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In Homewreckers and Gardens this week we discussed the never ending battle of Loading the Dishwasher Correctly.  IF that is even POSSIBLE.

On Sex Talk we introduce The Pluto.  Yeah.  That’s right.  Cartoon Doggie Style…kinda.

Michael fills us in on his version of ZeroScaping.  Yes, it’s just how it sounds.

And our drink this week was the Soccer Bomb.  The drunkies made a mess all over the table while Jill asked for napkins ever so politely.  We did a couple of those actually.  hehe.  Find it on our recipe page.

Please don’t hesitate to contact us with complaints, advice of your own or any questions; we will read these on the air and promptly judge you.

drunkmomz@yahoo.com

Another big wet kiss goes out to Jordan Wiebela  for making our new, fantastic, amazing, going to be plastered all over the place logo!!  She rocks.

 

Download episode here.

 

 

Episode 1 Jodee Champion Of The People

Here ye hear ye! 2DrunkMomz is happening. Welcome to the inaugural episode of the award winning podcast. (Don’t over think that one.)

This episode features Denver comedian Jodee Champion. Fresh off of her whirl wind Minecraft Crafty Mom Birthday Party Tour, Jodee stopped by Devon’s Pub to help us launch this podcast.

 

This week’s SchlitzList, unfit parents in the news, brings us the following:

Sunbathing parents let 10 month old daughter float 1/2 a mile out to sea on baby raft. Like the Kon Tiki, only cuter.

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Bodybuilder parents banish 14 year old daughter to woods for a week after she ate a Pop-Tart, obviously taking a page from M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village.

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Jodee Champion fills us in about her start in stand up comedy as a fresh, new, single mom, when her son was only a year old. Thank god for stubborn women! From local shows at The Denver Improv, to Devon’s Summer Comedy Showcase and recently appearing on the Pump and Dump tour here in Denver to her national television debut on NickMom Night Out in Chicago, we were happy to have her grace our sloppy drinking table.

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Feel free to check out her Facebook page here and see how hilarious she is for yourself.

 

In our Homewreckers & Gardens segment this week we discuss:

Sex Talk- Ever been deep inside a dildo factory?

COCKtails- The Dirty Pool Boy. Find it on our recipe page and enjoy.

 

Have a burning question? Does it burn when you pee? Let us know about it. drunkmomz@yahoo.com.

 

Lastly a huge a huge 2DrunkMomz wet kiss to David Rodriguez for our new website header. You rock!

 

 

 

 

Episode 1.1 with Jodee Champion

 

Our ‘soft opening’ went well last week as we recorded a trial run of 2DrunkMomz with our host and producer, Michael Powell who was also kind enough to pose as our guest.  We might even air this ‘R’ rated show someday, but for now, we’re going in for the hard stuff and makin’  it real.

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Jodee Champion is our Guest Drunk Mom this week!!  Join us as she drops by to do some shots —– er I mean…talk about the miracle of motherhood and the even bigger miracle of being a newlywed!

We will be at Devon’s at 6 pm, Wednesday, July 8th recording our first official podcast!  All  are welcome to stop by and drink with us and of course stay for the comedy open mic at 8 with Abby Alt that is sponsored by Jack Daniels and Bacardi .

Bring food because if mommy doesn’t eat shegetsrealsickrealfastwhenshedrinksh.

Let’s Get Ready to Rumble!!!

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Gearing up for the ‘soft opening’ of our podcast! Last weeks attempt was thwarted by tornadoes, floods and a power outage, but we will prevail! Join us at Devon’s Pub July 1st at 5:00 for our Big Little Show as even Mother Nature will not keep us down!

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