So last week was amazing, we dressed up as Zombie Bob’s Burgers and did the Zombie Crawl. And the kids couldn’t clean enough. We were minor celebrities for a day and it cost a whole seven dollars for my peace of mind. (The payout for chores done.) This weekend however, was off the rails and I lived on the Planet of the Apes all weekend. In a cage in my room. Well, I spent Sunday in my room.
I’m really struggling with not being these kids’ mom and not really being my own kids’ mom either, therefore who am I? I am A mom, to two other children, but not these three children. It’s like being out of the workforce for 20 years and then having to learn computers. These three kids are going through a divorce and they are completely chaotic. When I was going through a divorce and my kids were chaotic, it was an inside job. It’s very hard to do this from the outside.
Every time I see a parenting article, it’s about being pregnant or having a new baby or toddler. I always think, “Oh, the good old days when they couldn’t talk. Just WAIT you ignorant, blissful parents. You will wish your biggest problem was putting protective devices on all the electrical outlets.” I’m bitter. So sue me.
I actually don’t know my role. I know I’m an adult and I know I’m good at taking care of people but there’s a lot more going on here. In trying to respect everybody’s situation, I’m losing myself a little bit. My biggest fault is needing permission for my actions. Like I don’t want to yell and scream all weekend but should I? Michael and I are pretty newly in our relationship here so are the days of being cute and sexy over already? The answer to that last question is yes. The days of being cute and sexy are over. We are now dealing with something people who have been in a relationship 10 years don’t even want to deal with. The reality of raising three children. Whom, I might add, have previously been raised by wolves I’m convinced. Annie Sullivan only had one kid to deal with, we have three.
Michael takes these blog posts and my rantings rather well I must say, and I give kudos to him for that. In reality, given the fact that he is 10 times more patient than I am, is the main reason we are all still alive.
I think the biggest thing I must do; that which is hardest for me to do, is face the fact that I can’t control this. I can make rules and scream and yell if I want and we can have peace on some weekends some of the time. One thing I could do to take the focus off of them, that which I cannot control, and back on to me, that which I can control, is: I need to make plans and get out and do some things for myself on the weekends in order to keep my sanity. They are still struggling with using utensils to eat and I saw one of the kids chewing on their feet the other day. How did such vile creatures come out of such a kindhearted, giving, loving man? This I might never know.
I did say something to the kids last weekend along the lines of ‘sorry I’m not kind and gentle about things and I just kind of bark orders.’ I said, I never say things like ‘hey sweetie you know what? Let’s try that a different way!” (spoken with a very sugared up Pollyanna voice.).
They howled with laughter. Even they know I never act like that. And then they said something that made me feel like Sally Field accepting her Oscar. “No, we like it. We know what you want.” The heavens parted.
I still don’t want to be the evil stepmom and I need to give them a break and let them spend time with their kindhearted, loving, gentle father without me standing there yelling at them to put their shoes away. So there’s a give-and-take in this blended, step, divorce land, new relationship, tiny apartment living thingy. It just really makes me regret quitting drinking at this time basically. Because I could use one right about now.
So we are on our road to four days of recovery and this starts all over. Again, really sorry I stopped drinking.